I am a shitty blogger, and friend it turns out. I haven’t contacted anyone in so long. It turns out the snow, while deep, stayed powdery so it wasn’t such a death trap. With the exception of last Tuesday I battled out every day to the drop in centre. I love it there now. It’s kind of amazing actually.
I had a fuck off bad day on Friday; I just started feeling horribly suicidal. I didn’t have anything sharp on me so I just kind of flipped out and started drafting my suicide note.
I forced myself to stay out and be around people and eventually it passed.
I really don’t have very much to say here, I just feel at a low level of awfulness. Bored and static. Remi (one of the staff) printed me off a DLA form which I’ve half filled in, I was meant to go and see Sharon my care coordinator on Friday but due to snow she hadn’t made it into work. Once I see her, she can help with the rest of the form and then that’ll be one less thing to do. When the DLA gets sorted then I can apply for a freedom pass, everyone else has once so it’s really easy for them to get out and about but for me buses cost a fortune.
I’m kind of in a place where while not actively suicidal (crying and running in front of cars) I do feel pretty much certain that death is the right choice. If I’m honest I’m still weighing up my options. Since giving up on overdosing (so much for third time lucky) I don’t know how else to do it.
Cutting your wrists is surprisingly difficult. You tend to loosen your grip without even noticing so cutting deep enough is a challenge. Hanging is feasible, if I can find somewhere with a tree or whatever. I’m determined not to involve anyone else so I’m not jumping in front of a train. It’s just not fair to them, if I do this, I’m not leaving room for error.
Life on the Borderline 