Everything has turned to shit. I didn’t want her to out and she went anyway. But I didn’t necessarily want her to stay either. I only just started feeling rubbish. Of course I resorted to my default coping mechanism and am all bloodied up. I don’t know what to do about this, it never used to bother me, it was just something I did, but then I went to uni and the people I chose to confide in were really shocked. My care coordinator made me show her my arms and legs and she nearly cried. If it’s so awful why can’t I stop? Now I do it anyway but also feel a sense of shame afterwards. It’s just double the pain. I want to go to sleep and not have to think anymore but I can’t even do that because I feel so frustrated and anxious. And I still haven’t done that mood diary for Sharon and I’m seeing her tomorrow. Oh fuck it. Just fuck it all.
Posted in Uncategorized
Tagged anxiety, borderline personality disorder, bpd, care coordinator, cmht, cutting, fuckfuckfuck, journal, mental illness, moods, self harm, self injury
Today has been pretty much average. A few ups and downs although I have noticed that since reading Overcoming BPD that book I was going on about yesterday I have noticed a few triggers which make me feel down. It’s annoying really because even though I notice when someone says something which affects my mood and makes me deregulate I still can’t stop it from happening.
Matthew was telling me to calm down earlier because I was angry that there were no hot dog sausages left for me to have for dinner. It’s a little thing I know but I wasn’t asking for his opinion, he just happened to come into the room while I was shouting at the freezer. I just needed to get the anger out and then I would be fine again. However, him telling me to ‘calm down’ and saying ‘there’s no need to get stressed out about this’ made me feel shitty. I felt he was trying to control me and that he was invalidating my emotions. I have the right to be angry.
Sorry, that rant made next to no sense.
I am still full of phlegm and sniffing like a bitch but overall I’m pretty much ok. Feeling a bit disorganised at the moment, I’ve been writing lists to try and manage but it’s not helping. Everything just feels a bit up in the air.
I’m going to read some more of the guide to being mental and then try and get some sleep. It’s one of the Christmas parties at the drop-in tomorrow and I really want to enjoy it.
My appointments at the CMHT yesterday turned into an administration nightmare. Luckily i went back today to see Sharon again and we got a lot of stuff sorted. We finished my DLA form and did one for a freedom pass so hopefully everything won’t be so expensive for very much longer.
We also had to fill out a risk assessment of me which had to be pretty detailed which was difficult. Lots of questions like when do you harm yourself, what is your history of drug and alcohol abuse etc. I don’t like being reminded of my illness. I wear long sleeves and leggings everyday to hide my scars from the world but also to hide them from myself too.
Sharon asked me to keep a diary, not necessarily everyday but to log my mood and more specifically any self harming behaviour. She said that once a while we’ll go to the clinic room so she can have a look at my cuts and scars. Ideally she’d love me to stop altogether but it’s best to focus on logging my destructive behaviours and trying to limit the number of cuts each time. Apparently I neglect my injuries as well, since I only shove a bit of loo paper on them. Sharon wants me to clean them all properly with antiseptic to stop them getting all infected.
I went to Weight Watchers this evening and I’ve lost another 4 and half pounds which is excellent. My total weight loss is now 11 pounds in three weeks. I’m only 3 and half pounds away from my 10% goal. I’m hoping to get it next week. Then I’ll have lost over a stone although I’m not sure it’s starting to show yet. I can feel the difference in my stomach but because I always dress to cover my belly bulge you can’t notice it. Tonight has given me the motivation to get to 10% for next week; I’ve cut up some carrots and melon as well as an apple to bring to the drop in tomorrow. I’ll be there from 10-4 so I’ll have breakfast before I leave but I’ll need stuff for lunch. I might bring a sandwich to have with my fruit and carrots. I find that if I don’t let myself get hungry then there isn’t a chance of overeating.
Wish me luck!
Posted in Uncategorized
Tagged borderline personality disorder, care coordinator, care plan, cmht, cuts, dla, freedom pass, mental illness, mood, scars, self harm, self injury, self mutilation, weight watchers
I am a shitty blogger, and friend it turns out. I haven’t contacted anyone in so long. It turns out the snow, while deep, stayed powdery so it wasn’t such a death trap. With the exception of last Tuesday I battled out every day to the drop in centre. I love it there now. It’s kind of amazing actually.
I had a fuck off bad day on Friday; I just started feeling horribly suicidal. I didn’t have anything sharp on me so I just kind of flipped out and started drafting my suicide note.
I forced myself to stay out and be around people and eventually it passed.
I really don’t have very much to say here, I just feel at a low level of awfulness. Bored and static. Remi (one of the staff) printed me off a DLA form which I’ve half filled in, I was meant to go and see Sharon my care coordinator on Friday but due to snow she hadn’t made it into work. Once I see her, she can help with the rest of the form and then that’ll be one less thing to do. When the DLA gets sorted then I can apply for a freedom pass, everyone else has once so it’s really easy for them to get out and about but for me buses cost a fortune.
I’m kind of in a place where while not actively suicidal (crying and running in front of cars) I do feel pretty much certain that death is the right choice. If I’m honest I’m still weighing up my options. Since giving up on overdosing (so much for third time lucky) I don’t know how else to do it.
Cutting your wrists is surprisingly difficult. You tend to loosen your grip without even noticing so cutting deep enough is a challenge. Hanging is feasible, if I can find somewhere with a tree or whatever. I’m determined not to involve anyone else so I’m not jumping in front of a train. It’s just not fair to them, if I do this, I’m not leaving room for error.
Posted in Uncategorized
Tagged benefits, borderline personality disorder, bpd, dla, drop-in centre, freedom pass, mental illness, self harm, self injury, self mutilation, suicidal tendencies, suicide
It turns out that the waterworks yesterday really took it out of me. I didn’t make it to the drop-in today, I slept right through until 2pm. It was nice but I am kind of worried about sleeping tonight now. I don’t want to miss it two days in a row.
I got a phone call today from a woman called Sharon at my CMHT. Apparently the team have nominated her as my Care Coordinator. I’m going to meet her next Friday to talk about my ‘care plan’. I’m bringing mum along because it’s probably a good idea for her to be involved. It’s such a relief to not have secrets from her anymore. Also, my memory is so appalling that I’ll inevitably forget half of the plan before I get home on the bus.
I think there is snow predicted for Saturday. I am dreading it. I see the snow and my heart sinks. I spend most of my life trying not to trip over. Add wet icy pavements to my already clumsy unbalanced nature and it becomes my worst nightmare. I think I’ll be battening down the hatches until the snow/ice calamity has passed.