Care Coordinator.

It turns out that the waterworks yesterday really took it out of me. I didn’t make it to the drop-in today, I slept right through until 2pm. It was nice but I am kind of worried about sleeping tonight now. I don’t want to miss it two days in a row.

I got a phone call today from a woman called Sharon at my CMHT. Apparently the team have nominated her as my Care Coordinator. I’m going to meet her next Friday to talk about my ‘care plan’. I’m bringing mum along because it’s probably a good idea for her to be involved. It’s such a relief to not have secrets from her anymore. Also, my memory is so appalling that I’ll inevitably forget half of the plan before I get home on the bus.

I think there is snow predicted for Saturday. I am dreading it. I see the snow and my heart sinks. I spend most of my life trying not to trip over. Add wet icy pavements to my already clumsy unbalanced nature and it becomes my worst nightmare. I think I’ll be battening down the hatches until the snow/ice calamity has passed.

Disability Living Allowance.

Today was difficult. I went to the drop-in as usual. It’s becoming a daily thing now which gives me a reason to get up in the morning. I was speaking to some people about benefits and so on and it turns out that I can apply for DLA (Disability Living Allowance) online. I used one of the laptops at the centre and registered. I got through the stages of name, DOB etc but then it asked me to describe my illness and I just stopped. Suddenly I couldn’t breathe. I was in tears and shaking like a leaf. If I react so badly in an environment especially for mentally ill people, I can’t imagine how awful it would be in the ‘real world’.

Marie (one of the staff) found me a number for a benefits advisor so I called them and was told about a woman called Sonia who runs a surgery on Parchmore Road which is round the corner from where I live. She suggested I call up and get the forms delivered to my house because it’s easier than doing it online.

Marie and Remi (another member of staff) thought it was weird that I haven’t been given a CPN or a social worker. I’ve just been left out in the cold. I think it’s probably because I live with my family, but I really should have someone to help me with these things. Once the DLA claim is done then I can apply for a freedom pass for buses, trams, tubes and trains. That will be the most helpful I think because the drop-in centres have really helped me and given me a purpose but the travel is costing my mum a fortune. Especially Purley because it’s two buses either way. Travel is expensive in London full stop but they’re raising fares by another 16% in the New Year. It’s a bloody piss take.

What I found really useful when I was on the phone to the benefits advice line was that she told me to write down absolutely everything. It’s especially hard to get across how much you need help with when it comes to mental illness. For example, they ask if you need help getting yourself up and dressed. Physically no. I am able to dress myself but the woman on the phone says that if I need to be reminded to get up and to get dressed then it counts as help. She said if there was no one to nag you and wash your clothes, make your food etc, would you just stay in bed? I said yes, definitely. If it wasn’t for my mum I wouldn’t do anything. So she told me to write all of those things down. I also find it nearly impossible to cook anything except pasta because I can’t concentrate on more than one thing. My hands shake aswell which means it can be quite dangerous if I’m holding anything hot.

This is all quite daunting really, which is why I broke down. Applying for disability benefits means you actually are ill.  I didn’t realise until today that I hadn’t quite accepted it.

I’m doing ok.

I am feeling a fuckload better.

Thanks god for that, I was starting to worry. I’ve been going to the drop-in almost religiously. I felt pretty low this afternoon but I still went. It does me good to be around people. I don’t know why I felt so crap earlier today, I should have been over the moon, I lost 6 and a half pounds at weight watchers in my first week. It’s definitely motivated me to lose more. I want to reach my 5% goal over the next two weeks.

While my mood is in the safe zone, I am going to go to the drop-in reasonable early tomorrow. I don’t want to spend any time by myself. I worry that I’m becoming dependant on others but it’s better than the consequences of sitting at home planning ways to kill myself.

I’ve been having some fucked up dreams over the last few nights; they’re extremely vivid as soon as I try to remember them, they slip away. I’m getting on it with a sleeping pill tonight; I need to feel refreshed in the morning.

So Christmas is just over a month away. I am terrified to be honest. I always hate this time of year, everyone gets so stressed out in my house and I drink loads to cope with everything. That’s what’ll happen again this year though; if I shove a bottle of wine down my neck at least I won’t remember how bad the day was afterwards.

What are you lot all doing for Christmas?

Suicide ideation.

Tonight I am filled with a level of self loathing that I haven’t experienced in years. I don’t want to look in the mirror for fear that I will smash it to pieces. I want to curl up and die. I feel like the shittiest person on this entire mother fucking planet. Sadam Hussein, George Bush and Rose fucking West have nothing on me. I want to scream but I worry there will not be enough air to sustain it.

I am worried for my own safety. I don’t know what to do, or what to say. Whether I should go for a walk, go to sleep or slit my wrists. This kind mood, major depression coupled with intense irritability is extremely dangerous. Luckily there is an edge of tiredness tonight which means I should be able to sleep. Usually such forceful suicide ideation comes along with chronic insomnia, giving me hours on end to plan my own demise. I have nothing else to say.

Fuckity Fuck Fuck.

Oh fuckity fuck fuck. I’ve just cut my legs up. Not such a big deal in itself but it’s the reasoning which is cause for alarm. I’m eating too much. I went over my points allowance for weight watchers today by 2 points and my immediate reaction was ‘well I can’t eat anything tomorrow then’. It’s all coming back, I can feel it. The obsession, the calorie counting and the self-punishment.

­­­­­__________

Many hours later.

Turns out it wasn’t such a big deal. I didn’t worry all day about what I was eating which is good because I ate an indecent amount of chicken nuggets for dinner. We went to see Harry Potter this evening which is one of the few things we still do together as a family.

The drop-in centre went really well today. I had a lovely time. It’s nice to just be around people and for the most part it automatically lifts my mood. It has left me wiped out though, physically and emotionally. This weekend is just going to be telly in my pyjamas. Except Sunday because I am going to meet Michael or Gramps as I call him, from the group for Sunday lunch in the cafe. I probably won’t have lunch though, mum cooks on a Sunday and her roast is the best. I’ll just have some toast and a brew.

I think ‘fuckity fuck fuck’ is a very expressive phrase and that it should be used more often.

 

Suck it and see.

Ok so I didn’t quite make it to the drop-in centre today. It’s left me really bummed out because I overslept and I really wanted to go out today. I would’ve gone anyway but Mum needed me home for 4 to look after Esther.

Tomorrow though. I will definitely go tomorrow and then I’ll meet my fam at the cinema, we’re going to see Harry Potter. I need to make this work. Drop-in centres, medication and therapy. That’s my life now. I have to suck it up and make the best of it.

I’m too pissed off at myself to write anything else today. If I make it out tomorrow- No, not if, WHEN I make it out tomorrow, I’ll have more to tell you.

 

CVA drop-in centre.

The drop in centre was one of the most surreal experiences of my life. It was, in every sense of the word- mental. But I kind of liked it. There are a few different places to go, tomorrow it’s in Purley so I’m going to head over there and see what it’s like.

I met a few people today and I officially joined the group so now I’ll be told about like outings and stuff. I’m so tired though, being such a spaz I misread the booklet and went to Thornton Heath when on Wednesdays it’s in West Croydon. Since I was out anyway I got a bus over and spent an hour there.

You pay 40p if you want hot drinks, the money goes for teabags and milk etc. 40p gets you as much tea as you can drink though, so it’s pretty cool. This guy Julian runs a creative writing workshop on Wednesdays, I was too late for it today but next week I’ll go. I want to get to the point where I can write myself a timetable. Stuff to do every day. It sounds simple but just going out today has completely exhausted me. I nearly cried when I couldn’t get the internet to work earlier through frustration and sheer exhaustion.

I had a funny little chat outside over a cigarette with this old guy. He said he’d tried to kill himself after his mum died. I said I’d tried about 3 times myself. He went “I’ve tried five”. So I said “You win”. He was telling me all about how brandy works best with paracetemol and other ‘suicide tips’. He was jokes though. I guess it takes someone who’s just as mad to find him funny. Someone more ‘normal’ would probably be shocked.

The whole Weight Watchers thing is going well. It’s still only the second day but I was worried that it would bring back of all my latent food issues. So far so good though. I used 38 of my 44 points yesterday and today I’m only on 5. I am starving though but it’s dinner soon so I don’t want to eat anything else till then, because I won’t finish my casserole. I’m excited about the dumplings.

 

Reassuringly mundane.

I started Weight Watchers today. I am feeling quite optimistic about it all. I’m hoping that losing some weight will sort out my knee problems. I damaged it trampolining about 3 years ago and it never quite healed. It’s very sensitive and if I wobble on it or even knee down too quickly it sort of cracks. It’s a ligament problem, but the doctor says losing a bit of weight might take the pressure off. If it’s still bad in a few months time then I’ll sort out some physiotherapy.

The meeting was so funny today though. It was like Alcoholics Anonymous. Someone announced that they’d done well, lost a few pounds and everyone clapped them and said well done. There were commiserations for those who’d gained weight, and everyone was reasonably cheerful. I’m going with my Nan, and that seems to be the average age of the group. Mostly old women. It made me smile though, kind of reminded me of when I’d go round to Nan’s and her friends Valerie, Frieda and Pam would come over and we’d sit drinking tea and doing a crossword. Good times.

I’m going out tomorrow as well, I’m going to a drop-in centre in Thornton Heath. It’s for users of the mental health services in Croydon. I’m hoping I will meet some people and it will keep my mood fairly stable. I am quite up today, not worryingly so, but I don’t want to drop so hopefully socialising a bit tomorrow will keep me on an even keel.

I’ll let you know how it goes. Spending an afternoon with people who are as mental unstable as I am could be great fun or very depressing. It’s only in Thornton Heath which isn’t far so I’ll walk there and back which will be a good bit of exercise. Overall I’m pretty chuffed with myself.

I realise that this entry is nowhere near as interesting to read as an account of sitting in A&E or slashing myself up in the middle of the night but the lack of suicidal thoughts today, I find quite reassuring.

‘I wake up exhausted’

Woke up, had breakfast, smoked a cigarette and took my medication. All normal. Unfortunately this wasn’t until 4pm this afternoon. This seems to have fucked me over completely. I’ve had about 15 hours of sleep, don’t get me wrong I needed it, I was shattered- BUT the extra hours have left me lightheaded. If I don’t take my pill exactly at the same time each day I feel faint for hours. I also feel groggy and I can feel my mood starting to slip. I am shaky and I just want to disappear. Everything hurts today. My hands are so jittery that keeping them on the keyboard to type this requires extreme effort.

Oh, and in case that wasn’t enough whinging for one day- my back hurts like a bitch. I must’ve slept in a funny position.

Its days like this that remind me I made the right decision not to back to university. If I had an essay in for today I would be screwed. It takes every ounce of self-control not to slice my arms open and then just go back to sleep. The voice in my head that tells me to off myself is especially loud this afternoon. As if the weekend was my time off. Still, I am grateful for it. It’s much easier to be sociable and to get involved when I’m not fantasising about stringing myself up from the lamp shade.

This week I am going to go to a drop in centre. Maybe on Wednesday, there’s one in Thornton Heath so I can walk there and back. I need to be around people. I want to stop my mood before it slips into the ‘A&E visit’ department.

I am going now because I have nothing else to say. Well, that’s as good a reason as any. Oh but did any of you read the little poem about the countryside? What did you think?

xx

Anonymity is impossible here

Hogwarts Castle in Oxford.

Hello! I have returned from Oz! Well from Boars Hill anyway. I had a lovely weekend, since it’s so near Oxford I even got to see Dan which was amazing. I’d missed him so much. I am absolutely shattered though. My mood stayed relatively high the whole time, generally bouncing around the 5 mark. No suicidal thoughts or anything.

I am a bit too tired to give you a full account right now, but I did write you a poem while I was there. It was in the countryside, full of nature and just a bit too quiet so I wrote this.

Anonymity is impossible here

I can’t write about nature.
I can’t tell you that I saw a bee.
Instead I bumbled around the place
Longing for anywhere else to be.

A wasp, a fly, a caterpillar
Hold no inspiration for me.
Instead I have to look elsewhere
But no urban hubbub do I see.

The woods, the trees and flowers
In my ears whisper so quietly.
“Go back” they say “go home
To the ever buzzing city”.

Here are some pictures from my trip:

Man-to-man chats in New College, Oxford.

Matthew on James' Uke.

Time for a swift pint in the pub.

Magical garden in Oxford.

Simon's facial improvement, courtesy of me.