Just fuck it all.

Everything has turned to shit. I didn’t want her to out and she went anyway. But I didn’t necessarily want her to stay either. I only just started feeling rubbish. Of course I resorted to my default coping mechanism and am all bloodied up. I don’t know what to do about this, it never used to bother me, it was just something I did, but then I went to uni and the people I chose to confide in were really shocked. My care coordinator made me show her my arms and legs and she nearly cried. If it’s so awful why can’t I stop? Now I do it anyway but also feel a sense of shame afterwards. It’s just double the pain. I want to go to sleep and not have to think anymore but I can’t even do that because I feel so frustrated and anxious. And I still haven’t done that mood diary for Sharon and I’m seeing her tomorrow. Oh fuck it. Just fuck it all.

Up in the air.

Hello!

Today has been pretty much average. A few ups and downs although I have noticed that since reading Overcoming BPD that book I was going on about yesterday I have noticed a few triggers which make me feel down. It’s annoying really because even though I notice when someone says something which affects my mood and makes me deregulate I still can’t stop it from happening.

Matthew was telling me to calm down earlier because I was angry that there were no hot dog sausages left for me to have for dinner. It’s a little thing I know but I wasn’t asking for his opinion, he just happened to come into the room while I was shouting at the freezer. I just needed to get the anger out and then I would be fine again. However, him telling me to ‘calm down’ and saying ‘there’s no need to get stressed out about this’ made me feel shitty. I felt he was trying to control me and that he was invalidating my emotions. I have the right to be angry.

Sorry, that rant made next to no sense.

I am still full of phlegm and sniffing like a bitch but overall I’m pretty much ok. Feeling a bit disorganised at the moment, I’ve been writing lists to try and manage but it’s not helping. Everything just feels a bit up in the air.

I’m going to read some more of the guide to being mental and then try and get some sleep. It’s one of the Christmas parties at the drop-in tomorrow and I really want to enjoy it.

Moving out and moving on.

Oh my actual gosh I am so ill. I think I may have coughed up my throat lining. Yeah, sexy. So I apologise for the radio silence, I’ve been lying in bed coughing and eating mints.

Everything is going okay…not brilliant but not awful either. Sharon told me to keep a mood journal and to document any self harming behaviour which I have barely started and we’re meeting on Tuesday so I’ll have to write something down soon. The entire family is going to the Church pantomime tonight, I’d kind of like to go but it involves two buses and I’m not sure it’s worth it to sit in a stuffy hall and sniff over everyone’s lines.

My legs are killing today. I had a private razor party on Thursday night and all my scabs are throbbing like a bitch. Unfortunately I’m not in an especially better place now either. I’ve been reading Overcoming Borderline Personality Disorder by Valerie Porr; it was an early Christmas present from Mark, one of my friends at the drop in, and it’s made me feel awful. It’s not quite as bad as when I read those books called Stop Walking on Eggshells (see 8^th October) but it’s pretty close. It’s a family guide so I’ll give it to mum to peruse once I’m done. However it has helped me make an important decision. I want to move out.

I think it’s an important step on the way to recovery. I don’t want to go far, I want to stay in Croydon and while I’m obviously not well enough to live alone there are sheltered housing and residential projects in Croydon and Purley. I’m not sure how I would finance this and I need to sit down with my social worker and sort it all out but it’s definitely what I want to do.

I can’t work on getting better if I feel so fucking useless all the time. A fair part of that feeling comes from being a burden, financially, but also emotionally on my family. I went away for a year to university and came back the opposite of the young independent woman who left. I’m not going anywhere until the New Year and I’m hopelessly naive about these things. I’ve no idea how long the lists are to get placed but by the summer I want to be gone. Ideally by my birthday but February is a little too close.

Life goes on.

My appointments at the CMHT yesterday turned into an administration nightmare. Luckily i went back today to see Sharon again and we got a lot of stuff sorted. We finished my DLA form and did one for a freedom pass so hopefully everything won’t be so expensive for very much longer.

We also had to fill out a risk assessment of me which had to be pretty detailed which was difficult. Lots of questions like when do you harm yourself, what is your history of drug and alcohol abuse etc. I don’t like being reminded of my illness. I wear long sleeves and leggings everyday to hide my scars from the world but also to hide them from myself too.

Sharon asked me to keep a diary, not necessarily everyday but to log my mood and more specifically any self harming behaviour. She said that once a while we’ll go to the clinic room so she can have a look at my cuts and scars. Ideally she’d love me to stop altogether but it’s best to focus on logging my destructive behaviours and trying to limit the number of cuts each time. Apparently I neglect my injuries as well, since I only shove a bit of loo paper on them. Sharon wants me to clean them all properly with antiseptic to stop them getting all infected.

I went to Weight Watchers this evening and I’ve lost another 4 and half pounds which is excellent. My total weight loss is now 11 pounds in three weeks. I’m only 3 and half pounds away from my 10% goal. I’m hoping to get it next week. Then I’ll have lost over a stone although I’m not sure it’s starting to show yet. I can feel the difference in my stomach but because I always dress to cover my belly bulge you can’t notice it. Tonight has given me the motivation to get to 10% for next week; I’ve cut up some carrots and melon as well as an apple to bring to the drop in tomorrow. I’ll be there from 10-4 so I’ll have breakfast before I leave but I’ll need stuff for lunch. I might bring a sandwich to have with my fruit and carrots. I find that if I don’t let myself get hungry then there isn’t a chance of overeating.

Wish me luck!

And she’s back.

Today I am feeling altogether more human after a horrible yesterday which included a breakdown in a restaurant because my food wasn’t very nice.

I have sunk to new lows.

I went to bed at 7.30 last night and without the aid of a sleeping pill slept right through until mum woke me up at 8am. I’m even dressed and with make up on. I still haven’t taken my medication or brushed my teeth but what’s life without a to-do list?

I am vaguely aware that it should be annoying that on the day I have an appointment with my psychiatrist my mood has lifted, but I am so happy not to be suicidal that I can’t even be arsed to feel annoyed. I do have to remember to tell Dr Gupta all about the last few days though. My medication definitely needs changing because duloxetine is doing fuck all to help my mood and I need to find out what’s happening about the Touchstone Centre. I haven’t heard anything from them and I was meant to have been referred months ago. Ah the joy of the NHS.

I shall let you all know how it goes at the CMHT. I am planning to get there early and see if Sharon is free since we didn’t get to meet up on Friday. Hang on, this is very nearly being organised. WTF?

 

It’s been too long…

I am a shitty blogger, and friend it turns out. I haven’t contacted anyone in so long. It turns out the snow, while deep, stayed powdery so it wasn’t such a death trap. With the exception of last Tuesday I battled out every day to the drop in centre. I love it there now. It’s kind of amazing actually.

I had a fuck off bad day on Friday; I just started feeling horribly suicidal. I didn’t have anything sharp on me so I just kind of flipped out and started drafting my suicide note.

I forced myself to stay out and be around people and eventually it passed.

I really don’t have very much to say here, I just feel at a low level of awfulness. Bored and static. Remi (one of the staff) printed me off a DLA form which I’ve half filled in, I was meant to go and see Sharon my care coordinator on Friday but due to snow she hadn’t made it into work. Once I see her, she can help with the rest of the form and then that’ll be one less thing to do. When the DLA gets sorted then I can apply for a freedom pass, everyone else has once so it’s really easy for them to get out and about but for me buses cost a fortune.

I’m kind of in a place where while not actively suicidal (crying and running in front of cars) I do feel pretty much certain that death is the right choice. If I’m honest I’m still weighing up my options. Since giving up on overdosing (so much for third time lucky) I don’t know how else to do it.

Cutting your wrists is surprisingly difficult. You tend to loosen your grip without even noticing so cutting deep enough is a challenge. Hanging is feasible, if I can find somewhere with a tree or whatever. I’m determined not to involve anyone else so I’m not jumping in front of a train. It’s just not fair to them, if I do this, I’m not leaving room for error.

 

Care Coordinator.

It turns out that the waterworks yesterday really took it out of me. I didn’t make it to the drop-in today, I slept right through until 2pm. It was nice but I am kind of worried about sleeping tonight now. I don’t want to miss it two days in a row.

I got a phone call today from a woman called Sharon at my CMHT. Apparently the team have nominated her as my Care Coordinator. I’m going to meet her next Friday to talk about my ‘care plan’. I’m bringing mum along because it’s probably a good idea for her to be involved. It’s such a relief to not have secrets from her anymore. Also, my memory is so appalling that I’ll inevitably forget half of the plan before I get home on the bus.

I think there is snow predicted for Saturday. I am dreading it. I see the snow and my heart sinks. I spend most of my life trying not to trip over. Add wet icy pavements to my already clumsy unbalanced nature and it becomes my worst nightmare. I think I’ll be battening down the hatches until the snow/ice calamity has passed.

Disability Living Allowance.

Today was difficult. I went to the drop-in as usual. It’s becoming a daily thing now which gives me a reason to get up in the morning. I was speaking to some people about benefits and so on and it turns out that I can apply for DLA (Disability Living Allowance) online. I used one of the laptops at the centre and registered. I got through the stages of name, DOB etc but then it asked me to describe my illness and I just stopped. Suddenly I couldn’t breathe. I was in tears and shaking like a leaf. If I react so badly in an environment especially for mentally ill people, I can’t imagine how awful it would be in the ‘real world’.

Marie (one of the staff) found me a number for a benefits advisor so I called them and was told about a woman called Sonia who runs a surgery on Parchmore Road which is round the corner from where I live. She suggested I call up and get the forms delivered to my house because it’s easier than doing it online.

Marie and Remi (another member of staff) thought it was weird that I haven’t been given a CPN or a social worker. I’ve just been left out in the cold. I think it’s probably because I live with my family, but I really should have someone to help me with these things. Once the DLA claim is done then I can apply for a freedom pass for buses, trams, tubes and trains. That will be the most helpful I think because the drop-in centres have really helped me and given me a purpose but the travel is costing my mum a fortune. Especially Purley because it’s two buses either way. Travel is expensive in London full stop but they’re raising fares by another 16% in the New Year. It’s a bloody piss take.

What I found really useful when I was on the phone to the benefits advice line was that she told me to write down absolutely everything. It’s especially hard to get across how much you need help with when it comes to mental illness. For example, they ask if you need help getting yourself up and dressed. Physically no. I am able to dress myself but the woman on the phone says that if I need to be reminded to get up and to get dressed then it counts as help. She said if there was no one to nag you and wash your clothes, make your food etc, would you just stay in bed? I said yes, definitely. If it wasn’t for my mum I wouldn’t do anything. So she told me to write all of those things down. I also find it nearly impossible to cook anything except pasta because I can’t concentrate on more than one thing. My hands shake aswell which means it can be quite dangerous if I’m holding anything hot.

This is all quite daunting really, which is why I broke down. Applying for disability benefits means you actually are ill.  I didn’t realise until today that I hadn’t quite accepted it.

I’m doing ok.

I am feeling a fuckload better.

Thanks god for that, I was starting to worry. I’ve been going to the drop-in almost religiously. I felt pretty low this afternoon but I still went. It does me good to be around people. I don’t know why I felt so crap earlier today, I should have been over the moon, I lost 6 and a half pounds at weight watchers in my first week. It’s definitely motivated me to lose more. I want to reach my 5% goal over the next two weeks.

While my mood is in the safe zone, I am going to go to the drop-in reasonable early tomorrow. I don’t want to spend any time by myself. I worry that I’m becoming dependant on others but it’s better than the consequences of sitting at home planning ways to kill myself.

I’ve been having some fucked up dreams over the last few nights; they’re extremely vivid as soon as I try to remember them, they slip away. I’m getting on it with a sleeping pill tonight; I need to feel refreshed in the morning.

So Christmas is just over a month away. I am terrified to be honest. I always hate this time of year, everyone gets so stressed out in my house and I drink loads to cope with everything. That’s what’ll happen again this year though; if I shove a bottle of wine down my neck at least I won’t remember how bad the day was afterwards.

What are you lot all doing for Christmas?

Suicide ideation.

Tonight I am filled with a level of self loathing that I haven’t experienced in years. I don’t want to look in the mirror for fear that I will smash it to pieces. I want to curl up and die. I feel like the shittiest person on this entire mother fucking planet. Sadam Hussein, George Bush and Rose fucking West have nothing on me. I want to scream but I worry there will not be enough air to sustain it.

I am worried for my own safety. I don’t know what to do, or what to say. Whether I should go for a walk, go to sleep or slit my wrists. This kind mood, major depression coupled with intense irritability is extremely dangerous. Luckily there is an edge of tiredness tonight which means I should be able to sleep. Usually such forceful suicide ideation comes along with chronic insomnia, giving me hours on end to plan my own demise. I have nothing else to say.