So I went to see my CMHT today. They were actually lovely. I always avoid going top places when I feel crap because I worry that they’ll turn me away. Apparently the reason I haven’t heard from the Touchstone Centre is because Dr Gupta never got my message, so he said he’d call them today.
I initially went to talk to the duty person, who is a social worker. From 9-5 on weekdays they have someone who you can drop in and talk to, even if you have to wait. We spoke for a while, I was in bits. I cried all over my jumper. She was lovely but I felt she was focusing on the wrong issues for the time being. The problem was that I was thinking off hanging myself, but she was telling me to think about my long term goals, like looking for a college course and where I want to be in five years time. I know these are definitely good things to think about but when you’re snotting into your sleeve and the only words you can formulate are ‘please kill me’ maybe the focus is a little off.
Luckily someone cancelled on Dr Gupta, my psychiatrist so he could see me, he upped my dose of duloxetine to 90mg on the spot and said that if I still feel no effect (I’ve been on it at 60mg for over two months now) by our next outpatient appointment in December then we’ll change the medication altogether.
I felt like such a pile of shit this morning and I’m still only a 2.5 on the mood scale but it has gone up since I saw the DP (duty person) earlier when it was only a 1. I feel like of looked after, since I’m going to the training weekend tomorrow afternoon, there was no point in them bringing in the home resolution crisis team. That’s where someone comes round to your house everyday for a specified period to distribute emergency medication and to make sure you’re alive basically.
Dr Gupta says he’s worried about the time in-between today and Touchstone so he said to call him if there are any problems. He gave me some information on local things to do for the mental health community as we’re known politically correctly. I call us the mentals. They have drop in centres where you can just hang out, play pool etc. He thinks I should meet some new people who won’t judge me for being ill, but that it might help dissuade some of the isolation I’ve felt since everyone went back to university.
He said that this blog was good though and encouraged me to keep it up, if only for my own benefit of documenting my moods.
I reckon I’ll give some of the drop-in centres a try and let you know how it all pans out. I probably won’t post until Sunday now, unless they have wireless at the centre I’m staying in this weekend, but I’ll speak to you all very soon.
Stay safe, I’m trying to. xx
Life on the Borderline 