Today’s been fecking weird. I’ve felt all light headed again. There’s anything wrong in particular I’m just feeling pretty shitty. I wish I knew why. Mind you, black and white moods are a symptom of BPD so I guess I don’t need a reason. Borderline Personality Disorder is, for the most part, a reactive illness, but sometimes I just feel like sticking my head in the oven when to an outsider I’ve had a perfectly acceptable day.
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It’s a couple of hours later now and I am feeling a bit better. I think I might work on some kind of mood chart because my emotions genuinely confuse me. I’ll scan it in and post it up at some point, if I ever get round to it.
I know that spending time with people, more often than not, will up my mood levels but for some reason I constantly isolate myself. It’s like everything I do has a streak of self-destruction even if it’s not immediately obvious. Self harming through one way or another is evidently self-destructive while spending an hour alone in your room when everyone else is downstairs together will make me feel shit but in a less noticeable way. I’ve only had this realisation recently so maybe I will make the effort to spend time around people. But then again, it’s a lot easier to sit upstairs and plan to hang myself.
I do think (and blog) about suicide a lot. Even when I’m not actively suicidal, I do have a dull ache in the pit of my stomach, a nagging feeling that I would prefer to not be around anymore. Maybe this is disturbing, I’m not sure because it’s all I remember. I wake up and think ‘oh it would be so much easier if I was dead’. And that’s on a GOOD day.
I know I have things to live for; I’m not so deluded that I think life is awful. If anything, I know that life is wonderful. The world is an amazing place just buzzing with weird and wonderful people. I just feel so disconnected from it. I reach out to grab the opportunities that are waiting for me and I can’t quite reach. I had the opportunity to go to university. I am very intelligent; I would’ve achieved a 1st class degree. This isn’t boasting, I know I’m not perfect, I’m not even halfway there but academically I knew how to pay the game. I know how to answer an essay question on the powers of the Prime Minister in comparison with those of the President and get nearly full marks. But in the end I ballsed it up. I dropped out of a great university where I had loads of friends because this sodding illness got the better of me. It makes me so angry, but I am doing all I can. I take my medication, concentrate on staying alive and I’m on the waiting list for therapy. What else can I do?
I know, I know. Mum is always telling me ‘You’re ill Rachel, its not your fauly. You’ve not done anything wrong’. And I know she’s right, Higher Education isn’t going anywhere, but I didn’t want to be a screw up. I used to watch Jeremy Kyle and think ‘I’m not like them’. My mum is on benefits and, yes we’re quite poor but we have dreams. My mum is studying so she can get a job. My little sister has learning difficulties and is registered disabled so mum had to stay at home with her until last year. Now she’s school and my mum has got a Masters in Theology at the age of 44 after leaving school with 3 GCSEs. She’s done so well and I’m so proud of her but I wanted to do it properly. School till 16, A levels and then university. I was so on track. This time last year I was the pride of my whole family. The first one to go to university at the age of 18, it meant so much to everyone. They were finally proud of me. I love my family to bits but Matthew, who’s nearly 18 had always overshadowed me, not deliberately, but he’s stupidly intelligent and he’s a musical prodigy. I am happy for him, but last September it seemed like it was my turn.
12 months later however, I’m sitting at home every day, except for the occasional dalliances with A&E of course, and he’s off to Cambridge on a choral scholarship to study theology.
Life sucks sometimes.
Sorry about the rant.
PS- I genuinely couldn’t be prouder of Matthew, someone from our council estate, benefit scum family off to Oxbridge! Wow!
Life on the Borderline 